Those terrorists at Guantanamo are just never happy, no matter how much we do for them.
In case you missed it, the NYT reported yesterday that more than a dozen prisoners at the U.S. detention center there "are subjecting themselves to daily
force-feeding to protest their treatment."
You know, kind of like the way you subject yourself to your co-workers breaking wind. It was your choice to go to work, after all.
It reminded me of the indoctrinated news coverage of the prisoners who committed suicide at the prison last summer, whose deaths were (I'm not kidding) generally covered in the mainstream news media as a calculated assault on the United States. As I wrote at the time:
At first I wasn’t exactly sure what was behind the
Guantanamo Bay suicides. But after reading the news
reports carefully, I finally got it: we Americans are under attack from
a bunch of guys rotting in their jail cells.
You
see, the terrorists are trying to make us look like the bad guys by
killing themselves while they’re supposed to be under 24/7 supervision.
As Adm. Harry B. Harris explained to reporters, the men who committed
suicide at Gitmo “have no regard for life, neither ours nor their own.”
Harris believes the suicides were “not an act of desperation, but an
act of asymmetrical warfare waged against us.”
That’s
right, these guys who choked themselves to death with their own bedding
are a perfect example of how the United States is suffering more than
anyone in this latest front in the war on terror.
First,
media reports reveal that the three detainees had the audacity to avoid
discovery by prison guards while they quietly offed themselves. Not
happy to play by the rules, they apparently dispensed with the usual
suicidal cry of, “Come quickly, I’m killing myself!”
To
those of you who whine they were imprisoned for nearly four years
without being charged with a crime, I say: Get used to the new reality,
constitution geeks.
Next,
they fashioned a noose out of their bed sheets. Allowing prisoners such
“comfort items” as bed sheets and toiletries will now have to be
reassessed, according to Gen. Bantz J. Craddock, head of the U.S.
Southern Command. We’ve treated these people so well and this is how
they repay us? Instead, the army says it will replace the standard
issue Bed, Bath & Beyond “Egyptian” cotton sheets with recycled
copies of Martha Stewart Living. Hey, it’s good enough for the
homeless—plus you can learn how to etch your own suicide notes into
ocean-worthy seashells.
Finally,
the terrorists capped their carefully-staged prison revolt by
unhurriedly hanging themselves until they asphyxiated. The army later
said they would reconsider providing other luxury items at the prison
such as three-speed brushed nickel ceiling fans, to which prisoners
could potentially fasten a noose when they’re not cooling off after a
long day of tropical confinement. I know the blinkered ACLU-loving
beatniks will complain as usual—but everyone knows the wire cages at
the lavish Cuban prison camp already boast A/C to temper the oppressive
110-degree heat.
You know we’re in trouble when it seems like the terrorists are winning the P.R. war against us.
The
White House assured Americans that the deceased men were “committed
terrorists,” according to the New York Times. Who amongst us actually
needs to see evidence produced in court in order to believe the men who
work for the president?
Just
because the U.N. Committee Against Torture says detaining prisoners at
Gitmo violates international law doesn’t mean that we can’t operate it
according to basic business ground rules. So, tired of thwarting
prisoners intent on hunger strikes by strapping them to restraining
chairs and force feeding them through plastic tubes, President Bush
announced additional measures the United States will undertake to
prevent further suicides:
- All
Guantanamo detainees will undergo “sensitivity training” to show them
how much it hurts our feelings—and kinda makes us look bad—when they
kill themselves in despair at being locked away indefinitely with no
legal recourse;
- All
newly-admitted detainees must complete a “prison application,” which
requires prisoners to disclose all previous instances in which they
have been imprisoned indefinitely without charge, and whether they
tried to commit suicide there or not;
- To
improve prisoners’ treatment by guards, “360-degree review” will be
instituted, in which prisoners are encouraged to openly and honestly
assess the job performances of the prison guards who terrorize them
with dogs and occasionally urinate on their Korans;
- Some
prisoners previously transferred from Abu Ghraib will be allowed to
leave, on condition that they sign “confidentiality agreements,” in
which on-the-job skills such as balancing, hooded, on a wooden box
while attached to electrodes and remaining calm in their restraints
while being sodomized by a broomstick* couldn’t be disclosed to future
jailors, in order to avert leaking any “trade secrets.”
It’s
understandable if we occasionally feel just a little bit bad for these
evildoers, especially if some of them are merely shepherds from rural
Afghanistan who were attracted by our shiny yellow food ration packs—or
was that a cluster bomb?
And so what if 25 other Gitmo prisoners previously attempted to commit suicide there? It’s still the Caribbean.
But
we can’t forget who the real victim is in this latest terrorist
plot—the United States of America. Remember, our enemies only engage in
shallow propaganda stunts such as committing suicide while indefinitely
imprisoned without trial because they hate our freedoms, our generosity
and our love for the rule of law.
*Actually happened, according to a U.S. Army report.
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